Behold! It is written:
She who is now called Hush could once speak, and conversed greatly with her peers and equals.
One night, while talking and imbibing the fermented juice of grapes, She who is now called Hush uttered "I'm not entirely sure wot's 'is name... infallible...God! God... I don' think he exists the way we think he exists. I think he is a she."
And lo! An angel* appeared and cruelly took the liquid courage from Hush's blood and said "Answer truthfully, heretic! Dost thou truly believe in the God Almighty being of fair sex?"
"Are you saying," a groggy She who is now called Hush retorted, "That a man, who created me in his image, has only a penis and not also the equipment to bear children?"
"Thou art a cursed hag, woman!" the angel cried. "From now on, thou shalt meet thy fellow city denizens and nay shall ye have pleasant words kiss thine ears but only perversions of the language you hold most dear! And, thou shalt not have a capacity to reprehend such tresspasses!"
And Hush opened her mouth to respond** and no word would pass by her flicking tongue and Ebonics rushed to her ears and she knew she had been cursed for reasons that were entirely unclear.
God (still of indeterminate gender), was not without mercy, even if his (her?) angels were not much for the concept. God directed the speechless girl to a boy who serves him without the taint of a hard-up priest's touch.
"Hush," God said to Hush, "go and speak with the unmolested Alter boy, for as he masturbates with his left hand, you masturbate with your right, and therefor you two are a complete set of hands that seek the true pleasure of knowing thyself."
And Hush did so, but was a little squicked by knowing of another's practice and therefor vowed to never touch his left hand.
* an androgynous angel, with flowing locks and a flat chest
** possibly to say "but you didn't respond to my question!"